Poetry International Poetry International
Poem

Ayat Abou Shmeiss

I am divided in two

I’m divided in two
part A and part B
one side and the other          
two opposites
but I’m close to them both
“Morning, mah nishmah
hamdullilah, wallah
be-seder, yallah
salamat, kuni be-kesher
,
divided into salaam aleikhem and shabat shalom
upside-down and me in the middle
a kind of mental complex
I’m pulled in two directions
they’ll tear me apart in the end
in the most principled way
their censure
piling on my back like sand
and soon I’ll disappear
but each time I shake off
all that sand and stare
the impossible in the face
without written instructions
no one prepared me
to be both                           
to be two halves and yet not whole
but I’ve learned to live by halves
that’s how I am
imperfect
I love people
and can’t stand symbols
love the holidays (and sometimes celebrate)
I dreamt of living in peace and visiting my homeland
which now criticizes me
every year-and-a-half or two
and I don’t know how
to accept this with love
because in school I was taught
only to read and write
they left out love of land
but now I’m wiser
inside a rut
I’ve learned to discriminate years of identity
and when I face the establishment with my documents and papers
they choose to ignore them and see
only my language
my spoken language
my Arab eyes
my Moslem tongue
sometimes I quarrel with myself
force her to choose
but she cries
tells me one doesn’t choose
between father and mother

I am divided in two

אֲנִי זֶה שְׁנַיִם
חֵלֶק א וְחֵלֶק ב
צַד אֶחָד וְצַד שֵׁנִי
שְׁנֵיהֶם מְנֻגָּדִים
אַךְ אֲנִי קְרוֹבָה לִשְׁנֵיהֶם
"בֹּקֶר, מָה עִנְיָנִים,
חַמְדִילְלָה, ווָאלָה
בְּסֵדֶר, יָאלְלָה
סָלָמָאת, קוֹנִי בְּקֶשֶׁר"
וְזֶה מִתְחַלֵּק גַּם "לְסָלָאם וְעָלֵיכּוּם וְשַׁבָּת שָׁלוֹם"
כָּל הַהֲפָכִים הַנֶּהְפָּכִים הָאֵלֶּה וַאֲנִי בְּתוֹכָם
מִין תִּסְבֹּכֶת רֹאשׁ נֶפֶשׁ
וְכָל כִּוּוּן מוֹשֵׁךְ אוֹתִי בַּיָּדַיִם
בְּסוֹף יִקְטְעוּ אוֹתִי
בְּאֹפֶן הֲכִי מוּסָרִי בָּעוֹלָם
מַעֲבִירִים עָלַי בִּקֹּרֶת
וְזֶה מִתְאַסֵּף עַל גַּבִּי
כְּמוֹ עֲרֵמַת חוֹל
וְעוֹד מְעַט אֲנִי נֶעֱלֶמֶת
אֲבָל אֲנִי תָּמִיד, כָּל פַּעַם מְנַעֶרֶת מֵעַצְמִי
אֶת כָּל הַחוֹל הַזֶּה וּמְצִיצָה מֵחָדָשׁ
זֶה בִּלְתִּי אֶפְשָׁרִי
זֶה לֹא כָּתוּב בְּאַף מָקוֹם
וְאַף אֶחָד לֹא הֵכִין אוֹתִי
לִהְיוֹת גַּם וְגַם
לִהְיוֹת שְׁנֵי חֲלָקִים וַעֲדַיִן לֹא אַחַת
אֲבָל אֲנִי לָמַדְתִּי לִחְיוֹת בַּחֲצָאִים
וְכָכָה כָּזֹאת אֲנִי
אִי מֻשְׁלֶמֶת
אֲנִי אוֹהֶבֶת אֶת הָאֲנָשִׁים
לֹא סוֹבֶלֶת אֶת הַסְּמָלִים
מְאֹד אוֹהֶבֶת אֶת הַחַגִּים (וְלִפְעָמִים חוֹגֶגֶת)
חָלַמְתִּי לִחְיוֹת בְּשָׁלוֹם, לָלֶכֶת לְבַקֵּר אֶת מוֹלַדְתִּי
וְעַכְשָׁו הִיא זֹאת שֶׁמְּבַקֶּרֶת אוֹתִי
כָּל שָׁנָה וָחֵצִי שְׁנָתַיִם
וַאֲנִי לֹא תָּמִיד יוֹדַעַת אֵיךְ מְקַבְּלִים אוֹתָהּ בְּאַהֲבָה
כִּי בְּבֵית הַסֵּפֶר לִמְּדוּ אוֹתִי
רַק קְרֹא וּכְתֹב
וְשָׁכְחוּ מֵאַהֲבַת אֲדָמָה
אֲבָל אֲנִי מְתֻחְכֶּמֶת
מִתּוֹךְ קֶמֶט
לָמַדְתִּי לְקַפַּח שָׁנִים שֶׁל זֶהוּת
וּכְשֶׁאֲנִי מוּל הַמִּמְסָד וְיֵשׁ לִי מִסְמָכִים וּתְעוּדוֹת
תָּמִיד בּוֹחֲרִים לְהִתְעַלֵּם וְלִרְאוֹת
רַק אֶת שְׁפָתִי
אֶת הַבְּעַל פֶּה
אֶת עֵינַי הָעַרְבִיּוֹת
וּלְשׁוֹנִי הַמֻּסְלְמִית
לִפְעָמִים אֲנִי רָבָה עִם נַפְשִׁי
מְאַלֶּצֶת אוֹתָהּ לִבְחֹר
אֲבָל הִיא בּוֹכָה
אוֹמֶרֶת לִי לֹא בּוֹחֲרִים
בֵּין אַבָּא לְאִמָּא



 
Close

I am divided in two

I’m divided in two
part A and part B
one side and the other          
two opposites
but I’m close to them both
“Morning, mah nishmah
hamdullilah, wallah
be-seder, yallah
salamat, kuni be-kesher
,
divided into salaam aleikhem and shabat shalom
upside-down and me in the middle
a kind of mental complex
I’m pulled in two directions
they’ll tear me apart in the end
in the most principled way
their censure
piling on my back like sand
and soon I’ll disappear
but each time I shake off
all that sand and stare
the impossible in the face
without written instructions
no one prepared me
to be both                           
to be two halves and yet not whole
but I’ve learned to live by halves
that’s how I am
imperfect
I love people
and can’t stand symbols
love the holidays (and sometimes celebrate)
I dreamt of living in peace and visiting my homeland
which now criticizes me
every year-and-a-half or two
and I don’t know how
to accept this with love
because in school I was taught
only to read and write
they left out love of land
but now I’m wiser
inside a rut
I’ve learned to discriminate years of identity
and when I face the establishment with my documents and papers
they choose to ignore them and see
only my language
my spoken language
my Arab eyes
my Moslem tongue
sometimes I quarrel with myself
force her to choose
but she cries
tells me one doesn’t choose
between father and mother

I am divided in two

I’m divided in two
part A and part B
one side and the other          
two opposites
but I’m close to them both
“Morning, mah nishmah
hamdullilah, wallah
be-seder, yallah
salamat, kuni be-kesher
,
divided into salaam aleikhem and shabat shalom
upside-down and me in the middle
a kind of mental complex
I’m pulled in two directions
they’ll tear me apart in the end
in the most principled way
their censure
piling on my back like sand
and soon I’ll disappear
but each time I shake off
all that sand and stare
the impossible in the face
without written instructions
no one prepared me
to be both                           
to be two halves and yet not whole
but I’ve learned to live by halves
that’s how I am
imperfect
I love people
and can’t stand symbols
love the holidays (and sometimes celebrate)
I dreamt of living in peace and visiting my homeland
which now criticizes me
every year-and-a-half or two
and I don’t know how
to accept this with love
because in school I was taught
only to read and write
they left out love of land
but now I’m wiser
inside a rut
I’ve learned to discriminate years of identity
and when I face the establishment with my documents and papers
they choose to ignore them and see
only my language
my spoken language
my Arab eyes
my Moslem tongue
sometimes I quarrel with myself
force her to choose
but she cries
tells me one doesn’t choose
between father and mother
Sponsors
Gemeente Rotterdam
Nederlands Letterenfonds
Stichting Van Beuningen Peterich-fonds
Ludo Pieters Gastschrijver Fonds
Lira fonds
Partners
LantarenVenster – Verhalenhuis Belvédère