Poetry International Poetry International
Poem

Lev Rubinstein

HERE I AM

1
Now here I am!

2
So...

3
So here I am...

4
(Where have you been? We’d given up all hope...)

5
So...

6
So here I am! I can’t describe these feelings...

7
...these emotions...

8
...these feelings...

9
(You look just great, so strong and fit; looking at you now, I almost didn’t…

10
...recognize you)

11
Now...

12
Now here I am! Is anything as fine as this majestic…

13
...What could be as majestic...

14
...as this fine...

15
(My headache’s gone, and I can breathe, and on the whole, I feel

16
much better)

17
So...

18
So here I am! There is no other earth...

19
…this is the only...

20
…this is the only earth...

21
…there is no other...

22
(Well, now you’re talking. Honestly, I was already thinking, if it’s going to be like this,

23
why bother to begin at all).

24
Now...

25
Now, here I am! Could I have even dreamed...

26
Not even in a dream...

27
...just yesterday...

28
(Repeat four times)

29
So...

30
So here I am! Hard to believe, and yet...

31
Incredible...

32
...but true...

33
(The logs are crackling in a dying fire)

34
So...

35
Now here I am! I will not tire you...

36
...I will not bore...

37
...you…

38
...you, my reader...

39
Specialist at the planning department of a research institute, 54 years old.

40
On her second marriage.

41
Has a grown son from her first marriage.

42
Fit and youthful.

43
Loves to sing, plays guitar, “just for fun”.

44
Around 2:30 was returning to work after her lunch break...

45
(So...)

46
Taxi driver, 39 years old.

47
In his youth, he lifted weights, then gave it up.

48
Married.

49
Two children: Denis (14) and Lada (9).

50
Around 2:30, took the car over from his partner and headed towards Domodedovo...

51
(Now...)

52
Teacher at a kindergarten, 24 years old.

53
Height around 5’8’’ or 5’9”.

54
Nice-looking, slightly overweight.

55
Lives with her parents.

56
Single, but apparently has a steady boyfriend.

57
Around 2:30, was standing at the tram stop near the Riga train station…

58
(So...)

59
An actor at the drama theater, 51 years old.

60
Three years ago, he suffered a massive heart attack.

61
At the theater, plays mainly supporting roles.

62
Around 2:30, left the theater after the rehearsal, decided to walk a couple of stops...

63
(Now...)

64
In a word, everything must be extremely light, almost transparent, hardly perceptible.

65
Perhaps something like a rainbow.

66
As for a description of the house, begin with whatever you like.

67
Perhaps with the roof color.

68
Or maybe a tree.

69
Let’s say, an old white willow by the fence.

70
Or something like when you think you’re pretending to be asleep, but in fact you really are sleeping.

71
Or, as if someone invisible sneaks up from behind, lays his hands on your shoulders, and laughs with such a familiar laugh, that you can’t hold back your tears.

72
And, obviously, that’s the reason you feel a constant presentiment of some unknown catastrophe.

73
Obviously, that’s the reason you instinctively resist any changes in your life.

74
“I just can’t go on sewing back your damned half-belt every single day!”

75
(She throws his coat to the floor and suddenly begins to sob)

76
However, we see very well it isn’t about the half-belt at all.

77
Or, imagine that you’ve been waiting for this moment your whole life.

78
So now you are trembling inside as you open the cherished door...

79
In other words, it’s something like a “forever/farewell” twisted in a tight spiral.

80
Do you understand?

81
Now here I am!

82
...here I am! I will not tire you, my reader, by describing the hardships I encountered on my journey…

83
...the hardships I encountered on my journey, and my accidental companions, some of whom were quite nice, come to think of it, and some of whom I’d rather not remember...

84
...some of whom I’d rather not remember, and that completely explainable agitation and impatience that would increase as you near the cherished goal...

85
...agitation and impatience that would increase as you near the cherished goal, and many other things...

86
...many other things. And now the night visions grow vague, dissolving in the morning fog...

87
...in the morning fog, and a gang of screaming kids is rushing down the slope straight to the river...

88
...straight to the river, and the Rhine hills, castles, and vineyards are flying by...

89
...castles, and vineyards are flying by, and now everything is becoming endlessly distant: a cracked cup, a dusty stuffed squirrel, a small crystal sphere, and crumpled sheets of paper...

90
...a small crystal sphere, and crumpled sheets of paper, and there’s no reason at all to hit the drum, which won’t resound anyway because it’s dead…

91
...won’t resound anyway because it’s dead, and now the logs are crackling in a dying fire...

92
...the logs are crackling in a dying fire, the flow of things will never stop...

93
...will never stop, we go our separate ways...

94
We go our separate ways, do not forget me.

95
We go our separate ways, do not forget me.

96
We go our separate ways, do not forget me.

97
We go our separate ways, do not forget me…

IK BEN HIER

1
Ik ben dus hier!

2
En nu…

3
Nu ben ik hier…

4
(Jij hier? Ze dachten dat je niet meer kwam…)

5
En nu…

6
Nu ben ik hier! Hoe kan ik dat gevoel omschrijven…

7
…die gewaarwording…

8
…dat gevoel…

9
(Je lijkt een ander mens: robuuster, knapper, daar kun je nog eens…

10
…mee voor de dag komen.)

11
En dus…

12
Dus ben ik hier! Geen ogenblik zo magisch als dit prachtige…

13
…Geen ogenblik zo prachtig…

14
…als dit magische…

15
(Ik heb geen hoofdpijn meer, geen last van benauwdheid, ik voel me in elk geval

16
prettiger)

17
En nu…

18
Nu ben ik hier! Een plekje zoals dit…

19
…een heerlijk…

20
…plekje zoals dit…

21
…een plekje…

22
(Kijk, dat begint erop te lijken. Ik dacht al: als het zo moet kunnen we het

23
net zo goed laten)

24
En dus…

25
Dus ben ik hier! Ik had het niet voor mogelijk gehouden…

26
Wie had dit durven dromen…

27
…tot voor kort…

28
(Een simpele viervoudige herhaling)

29
En nu…

30
Nu ben ik hier! Haast onwaarschijnlijk, maar…

31
Niet te geloven…

32
…nochtans…

33
(Het schamel vuurtje knapt nog, maar je ziet – )

34
En nu…

35
Nu ben ik hier! Ik ga je niet vermoeien…

36
…zal je niet vermoeien…

37
…niet vermoeien…

38
…beste lezer…

39
54 jaar oud, werkzaam bij afdeling logistiek van een onderzoeksinstelling.

40
Voor de tweede keer getrouwd.

41
Heeft een volwassen zoon uit het eerste huwelijk.

42
Jeugdig, zit strak in haar vel.

43
Zingt graag en speelt gitaar, “voor haar eigen plezier”.

44
Was rond 14.30 op weg naar kantoor na de lunchpauze…

45
(En nu…)

46
39 jaar, taxichauffeur.

47
Deed in zijn jeugd aan gewichtheffen, is er later mee gestopt.

48
Getrouwd.

49
Twee kinderen: Denis (14 jaar) en Lada (9 jaar).

50
Loste rond 14.30 een andere chauffeur af en reed richting Domodedovo…

51
(En dus…)

52
24 jaar, kleuterleidster.

53
170-172 cm lang.

54
Ziet er lief uit, heeft een lichte aanleg tot overgewicht.

55
Woont bij haar ouders.

56
Niet gehuwd, maar schijnt een vaste vriend te hebben.

57
Stond rond 14.30 bij een tramhalte in de buurt van het Rigastation…

58
(En nu…)

59
51 jaar, toneelspeler.

60
Drie jaar geleden een ernstig hartinfarct gehad.

61
Vervult hoofdzakelijk bijrollen.

62
Verliet het theater na de repetitie rond 14.30 en besloot een paar haltes te lopen…

63
(En dus…)

64
Om kort te gaan, het geheel moet uiterst licht, ragfijn, ongrijpbaar zijn.

65
Je zou kunnen denken aan een regenboog, misschien.

66
Maar in welke volgorde het huis wordt omschreven is juist volstrekt irrelevant.

67
Voor mijn part begin je bij de kleur van het dak.

68
Of een willekeurige plant.

69
Een oude wilg bij de omheining bijvoorbeeld.

70
Of je denkt dat je je slapende houdt terwijl je daadwerkelijk slaapt, zoiets.

71
Of alsof een onzichtbaar iemand je van achteren besluipt, bij de schouders vastpakt en zo’n bekende lach laat horen dat je de tranen niet kunt bedwingen.

72
Of stelt u zich voor dat u geplaagd wordt door een akelig voorgevoel.

73
En dat u zich kennelijk juist daarom tegen de geringste verandering in uw bestaan verzet.

74
“Moet ik soms elke dag dat sierbandje weer aan je jas naaien!”

75
(Werpt de winterjas op de grond en barst in snikken uit)

76
Maar voor ons is het zonneklaar dat het helemaal niet om dat sierbandje gaat.

77
Of stel je voor dat je je hele leven op dit moment hebt gewacht.

78
En nu open je met ingehouden adem die speciale deur…

79
D.w.z. het is iets als een in een strak spiraal gewonden “vaarwel voor eeuwig”.

80
Kun je het volgen?

81
Dus ben ik hier!

82
…hier! Ik ga je niet vermoeien, lezer, met verhalen over de ontberingen…

83
…verhalen over de ontberingen, de toevallige medereizigers, van wie sommige overigens zeer sympathiek en andere niet noemenswaardig bleken…

84
…en andere niet noemenswaardig bleken, over de wel zo begrijpelijke opwinding en ongeduld, groeiend naarmate je het verlangde reisdoel nadert…

85
…opwinding en ongeduld, groeiend naarmate je het verlangde reisdoel nadert, en veel andere zaken…

86
…veel andere zaken. Daar vervagen ze al, ze lossen op in de ochtendnevel, die nachtvisioenen…

87
…die nachtvisioenen, en ziedaar, de luidruchtige schare jongens stormt al de helling af, naar de rivier…

88
…naar de rivier, en daar glijden de rijnoevers al voorbij, met hun heuvels, kastelen, wijngaarden…

89
…kastelen, wijngaarden, en oneindig ver en onbereikbaar zijn inmiddels het gebarsten kopje, de stoffige opgezette eekhoorn, de knikker, het verkreukelde blad…

90
…de knikker, het verkreukelde blad, en het heeft geen zin meer om op de trom te slaan want die is dood, laat geen geroffel horen…

91
…want die is dood, laat geen geroffel horen, het schamel vuurtje knapt nog maar je ziet…

92
… het schamel vuurtje knapt nog maar je ziet, het mag de loop der dingen niet verstoren…

93
…niet verstoren, wij gaan gescheiden weg…

94
Wij gaan gescheiden weg, vergeet mij niet.

95
Wij gaan gescheiden weg, vergeet mij niet.

96
Wij gaan gescheiden weg, vergeet mij niet.

97
Wij gaan gescheiden weg, vergeet mij niet…


(1994)

Я ЗДЕСЬ

1
Итак, я здесь!

2
И вот...

3
И вот я здесь...

4
(Откуда ты? Тебя уже не ждали...)

5
И вот...

6
И вот я здесь! Как можно описать те чувства...

7
...те ощущенья...

8
...те чувства...

9
(Тебя и не узнать: похорошел, поправился, окреп, на человека...

10
...похож)

11
Итак...

12
Итак, я здесь! Что может быть прекрасней того волшебного...

13
...Что может быть волшебней...

14
...того прекрасного...

15
(И голова как будто бы прошла, и легче дышится, и вообще

16
полегче)

17
И вот...

18
И вот я здесь! Другого уголка...

19
...такого...

20
Такого уголка...

21
другого...

22
(Ну вот – теперь совсем другое дело. А то я, честно говоря, подумал, что если так, то лучше бы и вовсе

23
не начинать)

24
Итак...

25
Итак, я здесь! Да мог ли и мечтать еще недавно...

26
Могло ли и присниться...

27
..еще вчера...

28
(Простым четырехкратным повтореньем)

29
И вот...

30
И вот я здесь! Невероятно, но...

31
Не верится...

32
...однако...

33
(Трещат остатки бедного огня)

34
Итак...

35
Итак, я здесь! Не буду утомлять...

36
...Не стану утомлять...

37
...тебя...

38
...тебя, читатель...

39
54 года, сотрудник планового отдела НИИ.

40
Замужем второй раз.

41
Имеет взрослого сына от первого брака.

42
Подтянута, моложава.

43
Любит петь и играет на гитаре – «для себя».

44
Примерно в 14.30 возвращалась на работу после обеденного перерыва...

45
(И вот...)

46
39 лет, водитель такси.

47
В молодости занимался тяжелой атлетикой, потом бросил.

48
Женат.

49
Двое детей – Денис (14 лет) и Лада (9 лет).

50
Примерно в 14.30 принял машину у сменщика и направился в сторону Домодедова...

51
(Итак...)

52
24 года, воспитательница детского сада.

53
Рост 170-172 см.

54
Миловидна, немного склонна к полноте.

55
Живет вместе с родителями.

56
Не замужем, но, кажется, имеет постоянного друга.

57
Примерно в 14.30 стояла на остановке трамвая около Рижского вокзала...

58
(И вот...)

59
51 год, артист драматического театра.

60
Три года тому назад перенес обширный инфаркт.

61
В театре используется, в основном, в неглавных ролях.

62
Примерно в 14.30 после окончания репетиции вышел из театра и решил пройтись пешком пару остановок...

63
(Итак...)

64
Короче говоря, все вместе должно быть предельно легким, почти прозрачным, едва уловимым.

65
Может быть, что-то вроде радуги.

66
А вот описание дома может начинаться с чего угодно.

67
Хотя бы с цвета крыши.

68
Или с какого-нибудь растения.

69
Например, старая ветла у забора.

70
Или что-то вроде того, как будто бы думаешь, что всего лишь притворяешься спящим, а спишь-то на самом деле.

71
Или как будто бы кто-то невидимый подкрадется сзади, положит руки тебе на плечи и засмеется таким знакомым смехом, что и слез не сдержать.

72
Или представьте себе, что вы в постоянном предчувствии какой-то неведомой катастрофы.

73
И, очевидно, именно поэтому вы инстинктивно сопротивляетесь любым жизненным переменам.

74
«Ну не могу же я каждый божий день пришивать тебе этот проклятый хлястик!»

75
(Бросает пальто на пол и вдруг начинает рыдать)

76
Но мы-то отлично понимаем, что дело тут вовсе не в хлястике.

77
Или представь себе, что ты ждал этой минуты всю свою жизнь.

78
И вот ты с трепетом отворяешь заветную дверь...

79
Т. е. это что-то вроде закрученного в тугую спираль «прощай навеки».

80
Это понятно?

81
Итак, я здесь!

82
...я здесь! Не стану утомлять тебя, читатель, описаниями тягот дороги...

83
...описаниями тягот дороги, случайных попутчиков, одни из которых были, впрочем, весьма милы, про других же и вспоминать не хочется...

84
...про других же и вспоминать не хочется, того вполне объяснимого волнения и нетерпения, усиливающихся по мере приближения к заветной цели...

85
...волнения и нетерпения, усиливающихся по мере приближения к заветной цели, многого другого...

86
...многого другого. И вот уже становятся едва различимыми, растворяясь в утреннем тумане, ночные видения...

87
...ночные видения, и вот уже мчится звонкоголосая ватага мальчишек по косогору прямо к реке...

88
...прямо к реке, и уже проносятся мимо рейнские холмы, замки, виноградники...

89
...замки, виноградники, и уже становятся такими бесконечно далекими и треснутая чашка, и пыльное чучело белки, и стеклянный шарик, и скомканная бумага...

90
...и стеклянный шарик, и скомканная бумага, и нет уже никакого смысла ударять по барабану, который все равно не отзовется, потому что он мертв...

91
...не отзовется, потому что он мертв, и вот трещат остатки бедного огня...

92
...трещат остатки бедного огня, но ход вещей не может быть нарушен...

93
...не может быть нарушен, уходим врозь...

94
Уходим врозь, не забывай меня.

95
Уходим врозь, не забывай меня.

96
Уходим врозь, не забывай меня.

97
Уходим врозь, не забывай меня...


(1994)
Close

HERE I AM

1
Now here I am!

2
So...

3
So here I am...

4
(Where have you been? We’d given up all hope...)

5
So...

6
So here I am! I can’t describe these feelings...

7
...these emotions...

8
...these feelings...

9
(You look just great, so strong and fit; looking at you now, I almost didn’t…

10
...recognize you)

11
Now...

12
Now here I am! Is anything as fine as this majestic…

13
...What could be as majestic...

14
...as this fine...

15
(My headache’s gone, and I can breathe, and on the whole, I feel

16
much better)

17
So...

18
So here I am! There is no other earth...

19
…this is the only...

20
…this is the only earth...

21
…there is no other...

22
(Well, now you’re talking. Honestly, I was already thinking, if it’s going to be like this,

23
why bother to begin at all).

24
Now...

25
Now, here I am! Could I have even dreamed...

26
Not even in a dream...

27
...just yesterday...

28
(Repeat four times)

29
So...

30
So here I am! Hard to believe, and yet...

31
Incredible...

32
...but true...

33
(The logs are crackling in a dying fire)

34
So...

35
Now here I am! I will not tire you...

36
...I will not bore...

37
...you…

38
...you, my reader...

39
Specialist at the planning department of a research institute, 54 years old.

40
On her second marriage.

41
Has a grown son from her first marriage.

42
Fit and youthful.

43
Loves to sing, plays guitar, “just for fun”.

44
Around 2:30 was returning to work after her lunch break...

45
(So...)

46
Taxi driver, 39 years old.

47
In his youth, he lifted weights, then gave it up.

48
Married.

49
Two children: Denis (14) and Lada (9).

50
Around 2:30, took the car over from his partner and headed towards Domodedovo...

51
(Now...)

52
Teacher at a kindergarten, 24 years old.

53
Height around 5’8’’ or 5’9”.

54
Nice-looking, slightly overweight.

55
Lives with her parents.

56
Single, but apparently has a steady boyfriend.

57
Around 2:30, was standing at the tram stop near the Riga train station…

58
(So...)

59
An actor at the drama theater, 51 years old.

60
Three years ago, he suffered a massive heart attack.

61
At the theater, plays mainly supporting roles.

62
Around 2:30, left the theater after the rehearsal, decided to walk a couple of stops...

63
(Now...)

64
In a word, everything must be extremely light, almost transparent, hardly perceptible.

65
Perhaps something like a rainbow.

66
As for a description of the house, begin with whatever you like.

67
Perhaps with the roof color.

68
Or maybe a tree.

69
Let’s say, an old white willow by the fence.

70
Or something like when you think you’re pretending to be asleep, but in fact you really are sleeping.

71
Or, as if someone invisible sneaks up from behind, lays his hands on your shoulders, and laughs with such a familiar laugh, that you can’t hold back your tears.

72
And, obviously, that’s the reason you feel a constant presentiment of some unknown catastrophe.

73
Obviously, that’s the reason you instinctively resist any changes in your life.

74
“I just can’t go on sewing back your damned half-belt every single day!”

75
(She throws his coat to the floor and suddenly begins to sob)

76
However, we see very well it isn’t about the half-belt at all.

77
Or, imagine that you’ve been waiting for this moment your whole life.

78
So now you are trembling inside as you open the cherished door...

79
In other words, it’s something like a “forever/farewell” twisted in a tight spiral.

80
Do you understand?

81
Now here I am!

82
...here I am! I will not tire you, my reader, by describing the hardships I encountered on my journey…

83
...the hardships I encountered on my journey, and my accidental companions, some of whom were quite nice, come to think of it, and some of whom I’d rather not remember...

84
...some of whom I’d rather not remember, and that completely explainable agitation and impatience that would increase as you near the cherished goal...

85
...agitation and impatience that would increase as you near the cherished goal, and many other things...

86
...many other things. And now the night visions grow vague, dissolving in the morning fog...

87
...in the morning fog, and a gang of screaming kids is rushing down the slope straight to the river...

88
...straight to the river, and the Rhine hills, castles, and vineyards are flying by...

89
...castles, and vineyards are flying by, and now everything is becoming endlessly distant: a cracked cup, a dusty stuffed squirrel, a small crystal sphere, and crumpled sheets of paper...

90
...a small crystal sphere, and crumpled sheets of paper, and there’s no reason at all to hit the drum, which won’t resound anyway because it’s dead…

91
...won’t resound anyway because it’s dead, and now the logs are crackling in a dying fire...

92
...the logs are crackling in a dying fire, the flow of things will never stop...

93
...will never stop, we go our separate ways...

94
We go our separate ways, do not forget me.

95
We go our separate ways, do not forget me.

96
We go our separate ways, do not forget me.

97
We go our separate ways, do not forget me…

HERE I AM

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Now here I am!

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So...

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So here I am...

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(Where have you been? We’d given up all hope...)

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So...

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So here I am! I can’t describe these feelings...

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...these emotions...

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...these feelings...

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(You look just great, so strong and fit; looking at you now, I almost didn’t…

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...recognize you)

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Now...

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Now here I am! Is anything as fine as this majestic…

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...What could be as majestic...

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...as this fine...

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(My headache’s gone, and I can breathe, and on the whole, I feel

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much better)

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So...

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So here I am! There is no other earth...

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…this is the only...

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…this is the only earth...

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…there is no other...

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(Well, now you’re talking. Honestly, I was already thinking, if it’s going to be like this,

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why bother to begin at all).

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Now...

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Now, here I am! Could I have even dreamed...

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Not even in a dream...

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...just yesterday...

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(Repeat four times)

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So...

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So here I am! Hard to believe, and yet...

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Incredible...

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...but true...

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(The logs are crackling in a dying fire)

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So...

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Now here I am! I will not tire you...

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...I will not bore...

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...you…

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...you, my reader...

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Specialist at the planning department of a research institute, 54 years old.

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On her second marriage.

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Has a grown son from her first marriage.

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Fit and youthful.

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Loves to sing, plays guitar, “just for fun”.

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Around 2:30 was returning to work after her lunch break...

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(So...)

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Taxi driver, 39 years old.

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In his youth, he lifted weights, then gave it up.

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Married.

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Two children: Denis (14) and Lada (9).

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Around 2:30, took the car over from his partner and headed towards Domodedovo...

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(Now...)

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Teacher at a kindergarten, 24 years old.

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Height around 5’8’’ or 5’9”.

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Nice-looking, slightly overweight.

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Lives with her parents.

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Single, but apparently has a steady boyfriend.

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Around 2:30, was standing at the tram stop near the Riga train station…

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(So...)

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An actor at the drama theater, 51 years old.

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Three years ago, he suffered a massive heart attack.

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At the theater, plays mainly supporting roles.

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Around 2:30, left the theater after the rehearsal, decided to walk a couple of stops...

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(Now...)

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In a word, everything must be extremely light, almost transparent, hardly perceptible.

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Perhaps something like a rainbow.

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As for a description of the house, begin with whatever you like.

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Perhaps with the roof color.

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Or maybe a tree.

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Let’s say, an old white willow by the fence.

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Or something like when you think you’re pretending to be asleep, but in fact you really are sleeping.

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Or, as if someone invisible sneaks up from behind, lays his hands on your shoulders, and laughs with such a familiar laugh, that you can’t hold back your tears.

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And, obviously, that’s the reason you feel a constant presentiment of some unknown catastrophe.

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Obviously, that’s the reason you instinctively resist any changes in your life.

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“I just can’t go on sewing back your damned half-belt every single day!”

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(She throws his coat to the floor and suddenly begins to sob)

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However, we see very well it isn’t about the half-belt at all.

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Or, imagine that you’ve been waiting for this moment your whole life.

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So now you are trembling inside as you open the cherished door...

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In other words, it’s something like a “forever/farewell” twisted in a tight spiral.

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Do you understand?

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Now here I am!

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...here I am! I will not tire you, my reader, by describing the hardships I encountered on my journey…

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...the hardships I encountered on my journey, and my accidental companions, some of whom were quite nice, come to think of it, and some of whom I’d rather not remember...

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...some of whom I’d rather not remember, and that completely explainable agitation and impatience that would increase as you near the cherished goal...

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...agitation and impatience that would increase as you near the cherished goal, and many other things...

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...many other things. And now the night visions grow vague, dissolving in the morning fog...

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...in the morning fog, and a gang of screaming kids is rushing down the slope straight to the river...

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...straight to the river, and the Rhine hills, castles, and vineyards are flying by...

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...castles, and vineyards are flying by, and now everything is becoming endlessly distant: a cracked cup, a dusty stuffed squirrel, a small crystal sphere, and crumpled sheets of paper...

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...a small crystal sphere, and crumpled sheets of paper, and there’s no reason at all to hit the drum, which won’t resound anyway because it’s dead…

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...won’t resound anyway because it’s dead, and now the logs are crackling in a dying fire...

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...the logs are crackling in a dying fire, the flow of things will never stop...

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...will never stop, we go our separate ways...

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We go our separate ways, do not forget me.

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We go our separate ways, do not forget me.

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We go our separate ways, do not forget me.

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We go our separate ways, do not forget me…
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